I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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