I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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