You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm always down for nudity.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
