I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
