I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
