Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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