I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize