She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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