Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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