Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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