so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
