I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
