I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
