Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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