so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
