Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
sex in a hospital.. check
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
