Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
