you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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