yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
