its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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