Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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