life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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