I just made out with a guy for $7.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
