I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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