I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
