Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize