Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
