Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
