he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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