I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
