two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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