im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
