Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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