it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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