The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
