You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
