the new term for farting is butt boxing.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
whose ass print is on the piano?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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