I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize