I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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