I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Woke up backwards on a recliner
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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