It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
