i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
