I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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