I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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