We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Randomize
