you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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