Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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