I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
