New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize