Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
