I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
