Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Randomize
