You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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