she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
