ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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