she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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