I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
