So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
