Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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